Letter of Recommendation: 'Zip Ties'

At first, my dream was simply to wipe my child’s bottom while standing up. Then, it was to attach a makeshift swing-down guardrail to his crib’s walls to extend its height and prevent him from levering himself over the side by his armpits and landing headfirst on the floor. Ultimately, with the help of zip ties, I achieved one of those aims. (Maybe both; that thump could have been anything.) I also tethered lamp cords to the necks of lamps and — upon discovering paraphernalia expressly made for mounting zip ties to a flat surface — the lamps themselves to the wall, linking one ring to another. I likewise secured the television, which I blame for the long years I endured without zip ties, having pigeonholed them as a kidnapping accessory.